PermaDeath - A Quinquennial Celebration

Now that I'm old, I've realized that I don't like playing hard games. I don't have a lot of free time, most of my free time is spent doing house work or herding children. So when I do decide to stay up late to play games, I want to relax and enjoy it, not crunch through it. I would rather play a game on Easy so I can enjoy the story (like I did for Uncharted 3: Drake's Deception) than I would play Demon's Souls (which is like a glass-chewing competition).  It's a relaxing escape where I can fight evil, get/save the girl/world and be awesome with minimal effort on my part.

In my humble opinion, the best genre of game for this is the RPG.  There are lots of variations on the theme, but for the most part there are a few general requirements:
1.You play the main character who is
2. Going on some sort of quest
3. and your childhood friends go with you
4. you are joined by perfect strangers who are willing to fight and die for you for almost no reason
5. you save the world

Most games of this type will allow you to manage your party. You can equip items, customize gear and abilities, maybe even accessorize! Some games even allow you to manage inter-party relationships which, if handled correctly, can result is special bonuses or dialogue and cut scenes.  I have loved these games since Dragon Warrior 2 on NES. I have sunk way too many hours managing inventories, swapping gear and optimizing my party for maximum damage.  I get the same sort of thrill watching a decked out warrior/mage/priest trio rip through undead cultists as I'm sure sports-guys get when the quarterback throws the quaffle into the endplace for a touchdown.  Exhilarating.

As a result of the tens to hundreds of hours played micromanaging these characters, I very reasonably get obsessively attached to them. So of course I'll completely restart a game after 20 hours of play time because I accidentally opened a box that will keep me from getting the Zodiac Spear. (Alternatively, I could have gone to the Henne mines, where there is a chest that appears 10% of the time, that has gold in it 90% of the time. The other 10% it has an item. Of that 10%, 90% of the time it's an Elixir. The other 10% it's the Zodiac Spear. But you have to be wearing the diamond armlet. See? Totally rational decision to start over completely.) Once you get the Ultima Weapon and unlock the Limit Break, life is good.

Except for PermaDeath.

If you don't know about PermaDeath, let me explain. Remember Mario Bros?  The first one?  Imagine you are playing as Mario and your dad or little brother is playing as Luigi.  You mistime a jump and you die. Then it's their turn, and they die cause they suck.  Then the game is over. Because you only get one life, and you sucked at it, so....yeah. Would you like to continue? You can't. It. is. Maddening. There are a lot of games where if your party member dies (or falls unconscious) in a fight, you can heal them, or raise them from the dead, or they just...sit out till the next fight. But in other games...when they die...they stay died.  So... that super awesome winged pegasus knight you just gave a silver lance and armor too?  Yeah....dead. And your silver lance and armor is gone. So.....yeah. Commence crying nerd boy.  Your video game just kicked you in the knackers, stole your lunch money and your girl. Well, maybe not your girl, because you know...nerd.

In games that involve PermaDeath, I will save constantly. As often as necessary. Every 5 minutes. After every cut scene. After every choice between left or right door. I will replay levels 100s of times so that I don't loose anybody, even characters I find annoying or that I hate. Because in my mind, I am Seal Team 6 or something. I obsess over it.  The Fire Emblem games are THE WORST. They work off a rock/paper/scissors power scheme, but with weapons. So Axe/Lance/Sword, and if your axe wielding pirate gets cornered by a knight, or your knight gets cornered by a swordmaster; super-dead. But I can control or mitigate that risk though through careful, strategic planning and many, many, many retries.

What I absolutely can't stand is PermaDeath that takes place outside of my control. Like in a cut scene. Where, you are watching a brief clip of dialogue or plot exposition and they kill one of your main characters. And there is no going back, no chance to save or heal...that's it. They are gone.  For many, this is epitomized by Aerith Gainsborough in Final Fantasy VII.  I remember watching, shocked, as Sephiroth killed her. I'm pretty sure I cried. Then I got mad. Then I got even.  This pattern repeated itself many, many years later when I played a game called Valkyria Chronicles. Your adopted kid sister gets shot late in the game. Very late. I was so angry I almost couldn't see straight. I had replayed every level of this game multiple times because not only did it have PermaDeath (and no one could die), but it graded your performance and I had to get all A's (how am I still having fun?). So..when the game killed her and there was nothing I could do...I kind of gave up. I started throwing away all the backup characters, just tossed them into the angry maw of the enemy, trying to gum up the evil-machines with their soft gooey innards.

Then I felt bad and replayed those levels.

What is it about PermaDeath that bothers me so much?  What is it that causes me to obsessively fight against it?  There is, I believe a two-fold explanation:

2) Control. I don't like it when something outside of my control arbitrarily acts against me or my party and removes a character from play. It should be by my choice, or not at all. At LEAST give me the stuff back.  I mean..come on! That armor's expensive!

1) I don't believe in PermaDeath. This isn't a real thing. There is always a Pheonix Down, or a Hi-Potion, or a continue, or SOMETHING. Maybe they were an angel and didn't know it till they died, now they are revealed in all their heavenly glory?  Maybe it's just a dream sequence and you get to wake up and everything is back to normal. Anything. Something. It shouldn't be this way.  There has to be a cheat code or some kind of hack...they can't just...leave like that. They can't just be gone. There can't just be...nothing.

It's the nothing that weighs on me. That sits heavy on my heart. The complete absence of being, of belonging. The oppressive weight of emptiness on my soul. The grief never truly leaves, or lessens. It just changes from being all consuming to powerfully poignant. I don't hurt any less, just less often.

Levi should be 5 today. He should be scrapping knees, climbing on my back and punching brothers. He should be getting ready to start school in the fall and playing soccer. But, he isn't. He's not. And my heart breaks again.

In many ways, I lost control of my life five years ago. Something acted arbitrarily against me and my family and I lost my boy. There was nothing that could be done, no explanations or answers.  Just the stark reality of what is.  My tiny baby Levi, wrapped in blankets, held in my arms.

I don't believe in PermaDeath.  I don't believe that those few hours that I held him will be my last. The Bible speaks about heaven, and my Jesus talks about reunification and gives me hope. My heart yearns and is desperate for that day.

So I play my games on easy, optimizing stats and gear waiting for the day I go to heaven and see a banner saying "Levi has joined your party!"